


Field Work

by Kinematic



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Adultery, Dark themes if you think about it, Desecration of Church Property, Dirty Talk, Joseph Christiansen's Dark Side, M/M, Manhandling, Potentially Offensive Talk of Christianity, Yeah sorry of this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 21:35:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11609418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kinematic/pseuds/Kinematic
Summary: “You know, Robert, people have got you all wrong.”Joseph was caressing the back of his neck, looking at him with fondness, like he was a prized pet. “You’re not the quiet type. No, no. But you do only open your mouth if it means you can piss someone off.”





	Field Work

**Author's Note:**

> This is totally unbeta'd because quite frankly I'm too ashamed to show things like this to anyone I know but not too ashamed to anonymously upload them to platforms like AO3. So yeah, if you see anything glaringly awful, please let me know. 
> 
> Anywho, I just find Joseph's dark side kind of fascinating so I conceived of this filth.

“So, how do you reconcile all the stupid, outdated shit they say in the Bible?”

Joseph peeked up suddenly. It was a familiar voice and, sadly, an all too familiar sentiment. Truthfully, Joseph welcomed skeptics and non-believers. He could have done without the profanity, though. Especially in front of all the children.

“Robert!” he said warmly. “It’s nice to see you. We were all just finishing up.”

Robert leaned back against the doorframe, arms crossed. He watched as the neighborhood preteens gathered their papers, folders, and pocket-sized copies of The Bible 4 Teenz, and filed out. Some of them smiled at Robert as they passed him. He didn’t smile back, and even flashed a particularly menacing glare at one pudgy boy with curly blond hair. The boy yelped and walked faster. It was only after he was gone that Robert smiled.

“You meet here every week?” Robert asked once the last of the kids were gone.

“Yeah, we have Youth Bible Study every Thursday night. You just missed our adult class. Come next Tuesday if you’re interested.”

“I’m not,” Robert said, coming forward and sitting loudly on a table. He put his feet up on one of the chairs. It was raining earlier, and his boots were muddy. Joseph’s smile only faltered a little.

“Then if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly brought you here, Robert?” Joseph looked at him expectantly, though he braced himself for another barbed insult at Christianity.

Robert reached into his jacket and withdrew a pack of cigarettes. He pulled one out and popped it in his mouth before returning the small carton to his pocket.

“Research,” Robert said dismissively as he lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply.

Joseph didn’t like smoking, but if Robert really came to “research” as he claimed, Joseph was certainly not about to alienate him and his inquiring mind. Still, Robert never seemed like the guy to _inquire_ about God in the first place. And given his initial comment that evening, it seemed like Joseph had reason to believe such a thing.

Opening the window, Joseph admitted, “I’m a little surprised to hear you say that, honestly.”

“Well, I hope you’re being honest,” Robert began curtly. “We _are_ in a church.”

Joseph smiled and leaned back, loosely grabbing the windowsill behind himself. “We’re in a repurposed storage room on church property, but I get your point.”

Even Robert cracked a smirk at that one.

“I just never expected I’d see you set foot here. In all the years we’ve lived here, you’re avoided this place like an ex-boyfriend,” Joseph said.

“Are you kidding? I never pass up the chance at a good hunt, and God is the biggest cryptid of them all.” Joseph laughed whole-heartedly at that one. Robert just flicked ashes onto the floor.

Wiping a tear from his eye, Joseph asked, “What are you looking to find out?”

“I’d like an answer to my question, first of all,” Robert replied, speaking around the cigarette in his teeth.

“About the ‘stupid, outdated shit’ in the Bible?”

Robert had to give him props. He did not expect Joseph to quote him verbatim.

“Well, it’s stupid, right? Can’t eat shellfish, can’t cut your hair, can’t kill people—yet the Romans do it willy-nilly, whenever they feel like it? That last one especially pisses me off. When I kill people, it’s ‘bad’ and ‘illegal.’ For them, it’s cool whenever as long as somebody planted tomatoes and potatoes too close. Or God does it. It’s bullshit.”

Joseph cocked his head, grinning slightly. It was nice to see Robert so passionate about _something_ related to church.

“Well you know,” Joseph started, “what I’ve always liked about the Bible is how applicable it is to everyday life, even today. If you think about why some of those old-fashioned rules were put in place, the Bible makes more sense. It’s a guide on how to live a good life, and throughout time, people had to do different things to make living well possible. Context matters. Now we have different needs, but the Bible can still help us make good choices.”

“You know, I really don’t care.” Robert stamped out the last of his cigarette on the table next to him, burning a near-perfect circle into the paint. Then, he took a swig from a flask which he promptly stashed away.

Joseph fanned his hand through the air as if to direct the last of the smoke out the window. “Then what do you care about?” He shut the window and stood across from Robert, leaning against another table. Robert looked up at him through dark eyes. He was trying to be intimidating, yet there was mirth there too.

“Mary took home two men earlier. Home? Maybe a motel, she said? No, I think it was your place.” At last, Joseph’s expression grew cold. Robert looked satisfied. “I figured I’d come here and distract you lest you came home to find her getting plowed simultaneously by two different guys.”

“If you came here to shock and mortify me, it didn’t work.” Joseph said, arms now crossed. He knew his wife messed around with other men, and he knew Robert knew that he knew that. He also knew that Mary and Robert were close. It wasn’t worth it to get riled up over, especially if Mary sent Robert just to screw with him. Besides, Robert was known to tell a tall tale or two, or ten, so it was hard to believe anything he said anyway. Still, it was disrespectful.

“Okay, I tried! I tried and you caught me!” Robert conceded, throwing up his hands in a show of mock-frustration. He rose from the table and walked back toward the door. “Everywhere I’ve ever lived, I’ve gone out of my way to pester the local priest and you just happened to be my next target. But I’m sorry, father, I won’t sin again.”

Joseph’s lip quirked up in the corner, just slightly.

“Are you mocking me?” he asked, feathers ruffled. He followed Robert to the exit, keeping his distance.

“Oh, you have no idea, Christiansen. And I’m just getting started.”

Just then, Joseph rushed at him, pushing into Robert with the full weight of his body. In the fray, he turned Robert around, clutched both of his wrists behind his back, and slammed him into the wall. Robert gasped. His face ground against a crayon drawing of Noah and the Arc, ripping one of its taped corners. A first-grader drew it at Sunday school.

“Shut up, Robert,” Joseph threatened, his wholesome façade crumbling suddenly. He was stronger than he looked. Evidently, it took a lot of strength to hoist sails and tie up boats. Who knew?

Robert was momentarily stunned, and then he was angry. He struggled against Joseph’s grasp.

“What the fuck is wrong with you,” he growled.

Joseph shoved him harder into the wall. “You think you can come here, to my youth group, and try to tell me how much of a whore my wife is when you’re the biggest slut in this entire town? The nerve.”

Robert liked that one. “Mary told me to. She told me to make you mad. To see how mean you can be. It’s kinda hot, though.”

Joseph pressed his knee in between Robert’s legs, raising it until it reached the denim at his crotch.

“You would think so,” Joseph teased cruelly, grinding his knee upward. Robert gasped again, head meeting colorful construction paper as it rolled forward once more. “But why did my wife ask you to do this?”

“I told you.”

Joseph tsked, leaning harder against Robert. “You told me what she’s doing. You didn’t tell me why she sent you here to pester me.”

“Your anniversary,” Robert gritted out. “It’s coming up.”

Easing up a little, Joseph cocked his head. “I know that. I’ve never forgotten it.”

Robert turned his head as much as he could, catching Joseph’s gaze out of the corner of his eye. “Yeah, well, she wants you to.”

Joseph squinted incredulously.

“Some of her girlfriends planned a trip to Maui. She wants to go. Oh yeah, and she says it’s cool if we fuck while she’s gone.”

“It’s funny,” Joseph sighed, “that my wife thinks it’s okay to send you, Robert Small, as a messenger.”

“What’s wrong with me?” Robert retorted. In all honestly—and they were at a church after all—Robert was really enjoying this position. It gave him just enough vulnerability to be enticing without losing his mysterious edge. Oh, and it pissed off Mary’s shitty husband!

“My marriage is a three-way contract between Mary, me, and God.” Joseph’s breath was so hot in Robert’s ear, so full of wrath.

“Yeah,” Robert swallowed thickly. “Well, while you’re having a three-way with a mythical man in the sky, Mary is having her own three-way with a buff mailman and a hardware store clerk.”

Joseph raised his leg again, harder this time. It kind of hurt, but it was nice friction too.

“Shut up, Robert,” he repeated again. His voice was like a dagger—something three-sided, something that should have been banned at the Geneva Convention.

“Just fuck me already,” Robert groaned, head lolling back. He always liked knives.

Joseph’s laughter was hot, too. Temperature-wise. And the other way.

“I fingered myself earlier, thinking about screwing in the pews.”

“Didn’t think that was your style, Robert.”

“Had to be ready for you, bud.” Robert was almost up on his toes by this point, overwhelmed by the pressure of Joseph’s knee, but still relishing in the sparks it set off behind his eyelids. It was mostly a joke and Robert was known to embellish, so he did. “God, when you say my name it sounds like I’m about to get in trouble.”

Joseph’s teeth grazed the side of Robert’s neck. “Does your daughter know how much of a wanton little lush you are?”

Robert frowned. “Don’t talk about my—”

“Does she know her daddy is a dirty little slut? So depraved, he begs _ministers_ to fuck him?”

At this point, Robert was blushing. “Okay, that part’s true.”

“Touch yourself, Robert,” Joseph demanded, releasing one of his hands but pressing even harder on the one still restrained. Robert’s hand suddenly sprang free, palm slapping to the wall. Then, it dragged down, catching and tearing down a toddler’s drawing—accidentally of course—before it found and loosened his belt.

“I liked that picture,” Joseph scolded. “It was King Solomon.”

His words fell on deaf ears.

“I don’t have—shit—I don’t have lube,” Robert panted. His fingers grazed the outside of his underwear, applying just a little pressure against the bottom of his erection.

Joseph’s own free hand found Robert’s hair. Such lovely hair. Graying, messy, but still thick. Easy to grab onto. Joseph yanked it until Robert’s head was pillowed on his shoulder.

“And you think I carry it around?” Joseph taunted. He was mean, just like Mary said he would be.

For a moment, it was quiet. Robert looked up at Joseph as best he could and swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. Joseph watched it bounce and licked his lips.

“Sweetpea,” Robert began, “I want you to fuck me so hard I die.”

That comment earned a sincere snort of laughter from Joseph. It was a joke, surely, but with all of Robert’s jokes, there was some ounce of truth to it. Joseph released his hair and his face slumped forward.

“Well, I’m not gonna kill you, Robert,” Joseph chided gently, his tone appropriately reflecting the silliness of Robert’s words. He could be so melodramatic.

But back to the task at hand, Joseph thought, grabbing Robert’s wrist and guiding his free hand down below the waistband of his underwear. “I said touch yourself.”

He obeyed this time, breath ragged.

“Can you believe, this—th-this began all because I called the Bible stupid?”

Joseph’s hand found his neck. He tipped it just slightly so he could speak directly into Robert’s ear. “You’re a talkative one, aren’t you?”

Robert smiled a wide and toothy, clumsy smile.

“I just wanted you to—to at least _consider_ the irony.”

“Adultery in a church. Yeah, yeah. I get it.” Joseph’s voice had a smoothness—a rhythm that reverberated through every inch of you. It’s part of what made him an excellent minister and an even better dirty talker. “Mary’s done worse.”

“Fuck,” Robert grunted suddenly. He was close. “Fuck, fuck.”

Sensing this, Joseph shoved him once more.

“You know, Robert, people have got you all wrong.”

Joseph was caressing the back of his neck, looking at him with fondness, like he was a prized pet. “You’re not the quiet type. No, no. But you do only open your mouth if it means you can piss someone off.”

Robert’s brow furrowed as Joseph tugged his hair again, hard.

“Sunday night, after church, I’m gonna ring your doorbell. I’m gonna bring you a tray of whatever baked goods we have left over from that day’s service, and you’re gonna let me in. You’re gonna take that tray, and you’re gonna put it in your kitchen, and then you’re gonna take me into your bedroom, and you’re gonna let me fuck you into the mattress until you finally _shut the fuck up_. No quips, no banter, no witty one-liners. No, you’re gonna be so delirious, so thoroughly _fucked_ that you’re not gonna have a single thing to say.”

By now, the fingers of one of Joseph’s hands had found their way into Robert’s mouth. He was drooling around them. His eyes had fluttered shut. He was so, so close. “And you’re gonna listen while I read you verses from the King James Bible until you’re _begging_ me to fuck you again. And when I do, and after we finish, you’re gonna come back to the church, and you’re gonna vacuum our floors. Do you understand?”

Robert nodded weakly, hand moving so fast it was starting to cramp.

“And then, and only then, will I do you the absolute, God-given honor of taking your sorry ass and fucking you over a pew, you depraved little earmite.”

That was it.

Robert came, making a mess of all the artwork on the wall.

He was heaving, trying to catch his breath. Joseph withdrew the fingers from his mouth, scratching instead against Robert’s scalp in a way that was almost tender. He clapped his other hand over Robert’s shoulder, providing support so he wouldn’t fall over as he regained his bearings.

“Sorry,” Robert managed eventually, wiping his lips with his sleeve. “For saying that stuff about Mary.”

Joseph stepped back to allow Robert to leave, then nodded a thanks.

“It was all true, but like, sorry I said it.”

Joseph shook his head. “Don’t be. It’s not like I couldn’t have guessed it was all happening.”

Robert zipped his jeans and reached into his jacket, finding the carton of cigarettes. It had gotten crushed along the way, but the cigarettes inside were more or less intact.

“Don’t smoke in here,” Joseph finally ordered, but Robert popped one in his mouth anyway.

“So, uh,” he began, lighting the cigarette. “Why the hell did you tell me to vacuum the church?”

Joseph shrugged matter-of-factly. “Seemed like you were getting off on me being stern and telling you what to do. I figured if I could get some free labor out of it, I may as well take advantage of that.” His eyes locked with Robert’s just then and a devilish little smirk formed on his lips. “And you _were_ getting off on it.”

Robert took another drag, then tapped the cigarette to knock off some ashes. “Well, that’s true. But I know the local priest—”

“Minister,” Joseph corrected.

“—is too much of a goody-goody to ever tell anyone of that fact. So as rock-hard as your commanding persona made me, no, I ain’t cleaning your shitty church.”

Joseph’s smile grew. “At least clean up the mess you made.” He pointed to the wall of children’s drawings, now destroyed.

Surprisingly, Robert actually did just that. He haphazardly tore off every affected sheet, crumpled them all into a big ball, and dunked them into a trashcan on the far side of the room.

Before exiting, he turned back to Joseph once more.

“You said the Bible helps you live a better life, right?”

What a weird thing to say, given what had just transpired. “Yes, it does,” Joseph affirmed.

“So, uh, how do you justify the fact that you just cheated on your wife?”

One last barb. Joseph was ready for it, though.

“Well, you said it yourself. The Bible is stupid and outdated, no? And I certainly had fun.”

“Glad to hear you admit it,” Robert said, stamping out his cigarette, on the doorframe this time. “We still on for Sunday?”

How could Joseph have forgotten already?

“Absolutely. And I’ll answer all your questions, too, provided you have the wherewithal to ask any once I’m done with you.”

“Cool,” Robert nodded. Then, he was out the door. Moments later, Joseph heard the rumble of a pick-up truck’s engine coming to life, and then, silence.

He took one look at the wall, now bare.

What a perfect metaphor, all the holy figures stained and discarded. They were stupid and irrelevant, just like Robert said. It was not the first time Joseph thought such a thing, but it was the first time that anyone besides Mary knew he felt that way. Or that anyone knew that Joseph wasn’t all he was cracked up to be.

Oh well. Even if Robert told anyone, who would believe him? He was nothing more than a promiscuous drunkard who loved, above all else, to get a rise out of people.

Still, it didn’t stop Joseph from carrying over a half-eaten box of donuts after church that week, handing them off to Robert, and fucking him on a creaking mattress until he could recite all of 1 Corinthians 13 from memory.

Maybe, just maybe, Joseph liked to get a rise out of Robert just as much, God’s Will be damned.

 


End file.
